Repressed Anger of the Nice Guy
Repressed anger is the key ingredient in the Nice Guy recipe.
For what is a Nice Guy?
He's an angry man who, because he's been led to believe that anger -- or expressing anger is wrong or bad, represses it...
... and then cloaks it with an overly 'too-nice' persona.
But, at least in my experience, there's little worse than ignored anger. For as long as a man denies the existence of it, releasing anger or letting go of anger becomes impossible.
And the truth is, Nice Guys are the REAL jerks in the world -- not the hot-headed, bad boy types.
The key trait of a jerk is dishonesty and lack of authenticity. Yet this is hardly the case with the hot-head. In fact, he quite honestly expresses his emotions, no matter how uncomfortable those situations may be.
But the Nice Guy's anger is in stealth mode, which generally creates a subtly uncomfortable situation through awkward untrustworthiness.
So let's take a closer looking at the effects and aspects of repressing anger and also take a good hard look at the reality of the Nice Guy...
Three Realms of Repressed Anger
I've noticed during periods of my own life and also by observing other men who've walked on and off the stage of my life that repressed anger seems to manifest itself in three distinct realms.
The repressed anger is always the same. It just takes on different forms according to the given situation or circumstance.
So what causes anger?
Simply, being denied our rights; our right to think for ourselves and possess what we deserve or have earned.
Yet the interesting truth is: those who have their rights honored by 'the universe' only experience this circumstance because of one factor alone -- they first honored their own rights, and so naturally began expecting and demanding the universe to comply.
Those whose rights are dishonored, first had to of dishonored them themselves...
Anger Towards Self:
The Denial of Self-Respect
We all deserve respect, to have and make our own personal decisions, along with having our possessions honored.
But those who deny themselves self-respect, are guaranteed to meet with disrespect at every turn. And instead of expressing anger as is the instinct, the only other option -- before self-mastery has been achieved -- is one of repressed anger.
The Spine Donor Syndrome states this myth in connection with self-respect:
“You shall be a martyr to your community. You shall dissolve your personal boundaries for the 'benefit' of the community.”
But believing in such a lie welcomes and actually INVITES the violation of our respect and personhood as individuals.
And by repressing our anger here, we tend to either blame and guilt our way into despising ourselves and feeling inadequate for letting our boundaries be violated.
Or we may also blame others for disrespecting us or demanding we act according to their standards, even though we have no direct power over other people's behavior.
But in both cases, the responsibility is still ours!
So letting go of anger involves the practice of self-respect.
Anger Towards Women:
The
Denial of Sex Nature or Urge
We all deserve first, the freedom to live as our Sex Nature designed us to -- meaning as men, in our case -- and second, to have our sexual urges fulfilled.
But those who deny themselves their sexuality or sexual gratification are sure to be met with loneliness and lack or confusion of sexual identity.
With sexual frustration comes repressed anger.
The Spine Donor Syndrome states this myth in connection with sexual gratification:
“You shall be paid sex by the woman who chooses you. You shall not have sex unless it is approved of upon women's terms.”
Boycotting this lie, of course, does not mean rape or anything of the sort -- for I daresay that it is exactly this myth which is responsible for bringing men to rape.
But it does mean that if a rigid woman attempts to impress upon you what she thinks is required of you to be 'granted access' to sex (for example, marriage), you reject the concept.
By waiting for the permission or approval of women before we're 'allowed' to gratify our sexual desires, we will begin despising or even secretly hating women.
For naturally, we want women and we crave sex. But if we're not 'allowed' to get it as a natural process of Life and since women are the only one's who can physical give us it, any repressed anger will turn into a kind of hatred for women.
Releasing anger involves not needing any manner of 'woman's collective approval' before you allow yourself to *boink* as you please.
Making a commitment to a specific woman, of course, is an entirely different subject.
Anger Towards ‘The World’:
The Denial of Wealth and Prosperity
We deserve to live the kind of lifestyle we dream about, being who we want to be, doing what we want to do, and having what we want to have -- as long as none of it violates the rights of others.
But those who deny themselves their 'material desires' -- in conjunction with the other realms -- will be whipped by poverty.
The Spine Donor Syndrome states this myth in connection with abundance or prosperity:
“You shall accept whatever compensation offered to you in Life. This is your lot -- or fate and you cannot change it.”
Believing in such a lie not only closes the possibilities to a grander life or a better quality of living, but it kills ambition with sniper-like accuracy.
Then we start seeing the world as cruel, cold, and suspicious.
Instead of focusing on creating or manifesting our ideal lifestyle, we begin consuming our thoughts and time playing victim, which is a symptom of repressed anger.
We whine, complain, and condemn others for why we live below our dreams. Instead of preparing ourselves to allow what we want to enter our lives, we blame and suspect others of denying it us.
The entire world becomes our enemy. But it is the world that, when it is our friend, gives us the opportunities to shape into our dreams.
Releasing anger involves accepting responsibility for our current conditions in Life, and then focusing and acting upon our desires.
Breaking the Chains: Letting Go of Anger
Ultimately, repressed anger equals powerlessness.
And in that statement lies the upside to anger, found in expressing anger. For with repressed anger, we deny ourselves the respect, women or sex, and prosperity we DESERVE.
For by holding the Nice Guy view that anger is wrong or bad, we remain in denial until we change or until death meets us.
The only way to break the chains of denial is to first acknowledge repressed anger. And with awareness, comes the choice to express it.
And though expressing anger without control causes people to back-off and perhaps even criticize or complain about us, repressed anger causes others an inner silent resentment towards us.
In the moment, it may appear to be a lose-lose situation. But in the long-term, I think it is really a choice of win or lose.
With repressed anger, people continue their silent resentment. But with expressed anger, though it may irritate people in that moment, it actually allows us the opportunity of letting go of anger by gaining some power back from having our rights violated.
It gives you the opportunity and power to learn how to manage it.
And by releasing anger that's been repressed, we free ourselves to begin welcoming what we deserve into our lives.
Releasing Anger... without Control?
So if anger is going to cause undesirable responses from people regardless, perhaps it's smarter to go with the big, but short bang -- for once released and clarity begins to set in, we're left not only with having communicated our boundaries, but we can amend the havoc.
Whereas with repressed anger, NOTHING changes.
Now, I'm not saying I condone the act of expressing anger towards others -- especially not strangers... but I'm definitely not saying that it should be avoided in long-term relationships either.
In fact, expressing anger allows a man to see it, which is critical. When it's out in the open, no longer can it be ignored -- by him or the other party in a relationship.
This is the awareness that our power is in jeopardy -- and perhaps even the realization OF our power. And being in jeopardy rather than having lost it is a step towards reclaiming our power.
Expressing anger is a staging or transitional point.
As Henry David Thoreau's famous quote goes, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." And in today's matriarchal society, I think it is the Nice Guy's repressed anger that gives it much validity.
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