Personal Habits and Your Identity
I've spent the last three years working on changing personal habits -- deeply-rooted habits I've developed and practiced all throughout the years leading up to the decision to change.
And the interesting thing about replacing bad habits -- or undesirable habits, at any rate -- is that the longer they've been practiced, the longer it generally takes to undo them.
Forming habits is much like making a rope. And like a rope, with only two twines, it can be snapped easily. But with numerous twines, it generally can't just be broken in an instant.
Instead, it has to be unraveled over a period of time, with 'effort'.
Breaking habits we've adopted over a period of weeks can easily be laid to rest, but habits we've formed and held for a lifetime can take time. In some cases, even years.
So today, I'm going to share with you what I've found are the necessities of how to break bad habits...
Disassociate Your
Personal
Habits
from Your Identity!
What seems to me to be the greatest difficulty in replacing bad habits is our attachment to them. Because we act on them, we tend to associate them with who we are, with our Identities.
And to diverge from them would injure our pride.
For example, when I discovered the Nice Guy perspective (which is just a habit, really), I thought any guy would be excited to know or learn more about it.
Almost oddly, I realized that this was far from the case. Some guys actually want to cling to it, and will defend why they stay with it.
Why?
Though I didn't have a problem with it, as I embraced it and then began seeking opportunities to change myself in ways that started eliminating it, I have, however, found myself clinging to other habits I knew did nothing to benefit me.
Why don't we begin forming habits that would benefit us instead of justifying why we should hold onto old personal habits that don't serve us?
One opinion was that the reason for this is because our excuses and justifications are our own creations. They're our brain children. And naturally, who doesn't want to defend what they create?
Fear and Your Personal Habits
Yet I think the real reason why we have this urge to hold onto each excuse instead of breaking a habit is fear.
In past posts, I stated that the Nice Guy is feminized male with repressed anger. But the cause, of course, is one of fear.
Fears that have fermented into personal habits.
For if you hold the six basic fears to the Nice Guy perspective in connection with women and dating, you'll begin noticing that three of the fears stand out prominently...
The Fear of Poverty (or Failure)
This fear reveals itself in symptoms like indifference, indecision, doubt, worry, etc.
To make the contrast, Nice Guys will settle for any woman who shows interest in them (indifference). Instead of deciding what to do for a 'date', they ask the woman (indecision). They tend to ask a woman if she likes them so far (doubt). They criticize and find fault with guys who date the women they want behind the guys' backs (worry).
The Fear of Criticism (or Rejection)
This fear reveals itself in symptoms like self-consciousness, lack of poise, weak personality, inferiority complex, lack of initiative, etc.
With women, Nice Guys are generally all-around nervous (self-consciousness and lack our poise). Instead of expressing their own opinions, they agree with everything a woman says (weak personality). They brag about themselves or directly talk about why they're good (inferiority complex). Often, they'll ask a woman if it would be alright if they kissed her (lack of initiative).
The Fear of Loss of Love (or Loneliness)
This fear reveals itself in symptoms like jealousy, fault finding, and gambling.
When it comes to Nice Guys and dating, they generally have a tendency to get uncomfortable and irritable whenever their 'interest' seems to be enjoying another guy's company (jealousy). Though perhaps not directly, but through their tone or attitude, Nice Guys tend to complain about things women do (fault finding). And Nice Guys usually buy things for women, trying to bribe them: dinners, gifts, flowers, drinks, etc. (gambling).
There is also the fear of ill health, where Nice Guys will get wrapped up in conversations of pity and complaints about health.
Personal Habits and Your World
Succeed with yourself by changing your personal habits, and you'll succeed with women and dating naturally, along with practically every other avenue in Life.
Learn to master your fears and there'll be no need to think about doing the 'right things' with women. They will become self-evident to you!
Our habits define what kind of world we live in. And when our personal habits are mixed with fear, as you can see above, they define our relationships with women -- and the world at large.
Replacing bad habits is the secret to success -- not 'doing the right thing'. Calculation is cumbersome. It takes the enjoyment out of the process.
What most dating programs have done is laid down ways to eliminate your fears in RELATION to dating. But it is really about yourself and the way in which you think. The great thing about this is that not only do you learn to succeed with women and receive that benefit, it affects all other aspects of your life.
Most guys who tackle the 'dating problem' tend to tackle their lives at the same time, without initially intending to.
Thinking back to when I used to take part in all the fear-based behaviors in relation to women, I know that I would have defended my actions and myself had someone tried to point out that I was being stupid.
Just because I was attached, as I thought that because I was doing these things, it was WHO I was -- not to mention the pride and self-righteous factors.
But this is NEVER the case, unless you accept it. You are not your personal habits. Sure, the world may recognize you by your habits, but by replacing bad habits, though you may change in the eyes of the world, you are still the same man...
The only difference is that you've become a man who's mastered his fears. But you're the same person at the core.
Some guys may think the dating ideas on this site are about putting on a fake persona. Really, it's opposite. The Nice Guy attitude is the REAL fake persona. These ideas simply teach you how to take it off by freeing yourself of your fears.
Nothing more, nothing less.
The ‘Magic’ of the Alexander Technique
Our own personal habits, because they're so familiar to us, tend be invisible. We all tend to have trouble seeing them, which poses a problem.
How do you first spot them in yourself? Second, how do you change them?
The best tool I've discovered in dealing with the force of habit is the Alexander Technique. And because fears are nothing more than practiced thought habits, it allows you to see them by replacing bad habits.
Most people go through their lives with a few, if not all of the major fears at various times. My dominating fear has been the fear of criticism, which brings with it voice difficulties and arrogance (which may still show up in my blog from time to time :).
The Alexander Technique has been pivotal in learning to not only deal with it, but see the thoughts underneath it and to STOP thinking them.
Napoleon Hill, in Think and Grow Rich, discussing the causes of failure, lists unfavorable environmental influences during childhood as one of the top causes. "As the twig is bent, so shall the tree grow" he quotes, stating that those who develop criminal tendencies is a result of poor associations during childhood.
He goes on to say that there's nothing a person can do to change these negative tendencies or personal habits.
However, I am under the strong opinion -- based on my own individual experience -- that this is simply not so. And had Hill had knowledge and experience with the Alexander Technique, I'm sure he would have altered his own opinion.
We all know of the son, whose father beat his mother, vow that he would never be 'like that'. But what often ends up happening is that he behaves just like his dad when he reaches the same age.
Why?
Interestingly enough, this extreme is hardly an isolated case. We are all destined to become some conglomeration of our parents or guardians (whether we want to admit it, or not), unless we learn how to break bad habits by getting at them at a very deep level.
Though I wouldn't doubt there are other methods, all I can say is that the Alexander Technique is the most effective one I've discovered.
So if you don't want to become the kind of man your father is, if you want more control over your 'destiny', I would strongly encourage you to explore the Alexander Technique.
If you don't, you will become some version of your father, just as your father became some version of this father. I'd say it's about 98% guaranteed!
Even consider taking one lesson as an experiment. If you really want to learn how to break bad habits, you won't be disappointed.
To find a teacher in your location, check out this website...
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How to Become a "Natural" with Women
Your Friend,
Jay Julio
