The Ego Defense Mechanism
To become a powerful communicator with a solid Identity at its foundation, you must understand the ego defense mechanism, how it functions, and how to deal with it when it's been evoked in others.
Of course, it first has to be mastered from within.
If you don't, your sense of self becomes difficult to maintain. And if you don't learn how to deal with it in others, it becomes impossible to communicate your reality.
When you think for yourself and communicate your boundaries, it's going to piss some people off because you call them out on their manipulative behavior toward you.
They'll get angry simply because they're not aware of what they're ACTUALLY doing. And most people don't want to acknowledge their imperfections. So instead of admitting, accepting, and changing, they ignore them and then defend themselves.
Incidentally, they use you as their scapegoat. Instead of looking at what kind of poor behavior they put out there, they blame you for your reaction.
Some will think of you as hot-headed, even a jerk. But the opposite is true.
The Ego War... and Ego Cycle
When I first started studying the Alexander Technique, I became acutely aware that this was a major problem I had, but was previously oblivious to.
For twenty-five years of my life, I never noticed it. Since then, I've noticed most people tend to go through their entire lives never realizing this ego cycle...
... repeating itself over and over again.
One of the great benefits I've found I received from studying the Alexander Technique is it gave me the ability to prevent an ego war by 'fighting' over right and wrong with someone.
Instead, it becomes apparent, there's SOMETHING else much more important.
I don't remember whether it was George Benard Shaw, Aldous Huxley, or John Dewey who shared a similar insight. Whoever is was said that before, he would get attached to being right by choosing a standpoint and defending it indignantly. After some study, he found he would calmly accept and listen to an opposing standpoint, and then decide whether he was thinking straight or whether he should adjust his standpoint.
Essentially, before his ego defense mechanism was operating. Afterwards, it wasn't. And that's where the real power lies.
Our culture tends to impress being right, having the write answers, and never making mistakes as strong values. But it is this kind of thinking that inflates our egos and prepares it to be triggered by certain situations...
... with the result being nothing more than an ego war, where the goal is to be right.
What is the Ego Defense Mechanism
and How Does It Function?
Now, to understand the ego defense mechanism and how it functions, we first need to look at the ego itself.
So just what is the ego?
Self-righteousness? Fear? Jealousy? Resentment? Insecurity? Indignation?
The urge to explain, justify, defend, and make apologies for our actions?
I think these are just the symptoms.
Essentially, it's a toxic mixture of ignorance and pride.
The more self-aware a man becomes, not only the less insecure and more confident he becomes, but the less self-righteous he becomes as he no longer feels the urge to explain himself, excuse himself or justify his actions, and apologize or defend his choices or behavior.
Yet he's receptive to how they affect others.
Instead, it becomes about SOMETHING much more important than being right. We'll get to that SOMETHING soon. But first, what is the ego defense mechanism?
Let me ask you this...
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone suggested something which caused you to instantly go 'on-guard'? It was if what they said suddenly thrust your behavior into the spotlight? You found yourself off-guard because you didn't know what they were talking about, but you felt the urge to immediately defend yourself?
That's it! That's the ego defense mechanism.
It's that part of ourselves that pops up and, without thinking or noticing what we just did, says "I'm right. You're wrong!"
An instant, unconscious male ego response.
Finding the Healthy Male Ego
Now we come to that SOMETHING. It is this distinction which determines whether your ego is in a healthy or unhealthy state.
The unhealthy ego concerns itself with right and wrong, good and bad, and who's at fault. This is the stuff some self-help, most public schools, politics, and religions and other cults are made of.
Ever noticed how these organizations tend to be at war with each other?
It's an ego war. It's the need to be right, 'good', or better. The ego defense mechanism is generally always flipped to ON.
But the healthy ego does not concern it with petty matters of opinion, which is what right and wrong is all about; selfishness and clinging to one's own ideas as if they were one's own.
No, it concerns itself only with respect -- and disrespect.
Instead of arguing over who's right and who's wrong, the man with the healthy ego makes it clear when someone crosses his personal boundaries and treats him with less respect than you knows he deserves.
His focus is communicating boundaries, not being right. Two different things.
Then he leaves it up to that person to choose to acknowledge it or not. If they don't, he is forced to cut them out of his life (or sometimes greatly limit their presence in it).
Encountering the Male Ego Defense Mechanism
One truth of Human Nature is:
Those who don't control themselves, try to control or manipulate others unconsciously; and those who control themselves, can see how others try to control them and refuse tolerate such behavior.
Can you see how conflict practically becomes inevitable? Unless, of course, everyone would learn to take complete possession of their own minds.
Cool Guys keep their ego in check.
Here's how...
Conquering the Male Ego in Yourself
Since those who attempt to control or manipulate others aren't even aware that they do it or when and how they do, when a 'target' asserts himself (sometimes quite bluntly), the manipulator immediately believes it is the 'target' who is out of line.
Of course, little do they realize, THEY are the ones out of line.
We are where we are today. We can't necessarily change our present state, but we can use the present to change our future state.
So the first step is to begin noticing when your ego defense mechanism is initiated. Second, start stopping yourself from responding immediately. Instead, step back from the situation and analyze who's REALLY out of line.
Only then, choose to act.
Not surprisingly, this is the entire idea behind the Alexander Technique. Fundamentally, the entire practice is learning how to create 'brainspace' before instead of immediately responding to something by inserting conscious, deliberate thinking in its place.
Being called on your BS is great, if you eliminate the ego. I've found when people have called me on mine and I resisted, they just amped it up. But when I began thinking, "Okay, Jay. If they're calling you on this, maybe there's some merit to it." Oddly, enough, people end up respecting you more when you admit it.
Everyone admires courage.
And courage goes hand in hand with humility; looking at yourself in the situation from an 'objective' standpoint -- then making a decision to act consciously. Cowardice, on the other hand, goes hand in hand with the male ego, or pride, which is basically ignorant, unconscious habit.
Handling the Ego Defense Mechanism in Others
Perhaps you've called someone out when they treated you poorly. If you have, I imagine the response they gave you was one of defending or explaining themselves. And in the extreme case, they turned it around and started blaming you for it.
If you know what I'm talking about, you have a great awareness of the ego defense mechanism at work.
I think what prevents those of us who are aware of it from asserting ourselves are the repercussions. This is the same reason women are vague and give men excuses for not being able to get together.
Few people want to deal with having someone blame them for their problem.
Interestingly enough, women generally are more adaptable and socially smarter than men. So when you call women on their BS -- though they may get upset in the moment -- after the affect of their ego defense mechanism wears off, they usually realize and accept that THEY were out of line.
You'll find not only do they then give you MORE respect, but their attraction multiplies exponentially.
But when you call men on their BS behavior, you'll likely find that the majority remain indignant, continue to blame you, and then carry a hidden resentment toward you.
Ah, the male ego. Especially when other guys notice women respond favorably to you, that mechanism in conjuction with jealousy amps way up, as they'll do just about anything to try to knock you down a level.
What dating success products rarely discuss is dealing with jealous guys, as it really does become a problem when you are good with women.
Ask any chick magnet.
Mastering your ego defense mechanism is half the battle of becoming a Cool Guy. And since the male ego is such a burden to women, putting it to its death is the best thing you can do for your success with women.
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