The Ego Defense Mechanism
Mastering your ego defense mechanism and learning how to deal with it when others evoke it in themselves is essential in maintaining a strong sense of your reality.
To become a powerful communicator with a solid Identity at its foundation, you must understand the ego defense mechanism, how it functions, and how to deal with it when it's been evoked in others.
Of course, it first has to be mastered from within.
If you don't, your sense of self becomes difficult to maintain. And if you don't learn how to deal with it in others, it becomes impossible to communicate your reality.
When you think for yourself and communicate your boundaries, it's going to piss some people off because you call them out on their manipulative behavior toward you.
They'll get angry simply because they're not aware of what they're ACTUALLY doing. And most people don't want to acknowledge their imperfections. So instead of admitting, accepting, and changing, they ignore them and then defend themselves.
Incidentally, they use you as their scapegoat. Instead of looking at what kind of poor behavior they put out there, they blame you for your reaction.
Some will think of you as hot-headed, even a jerk. But the opposite is true.
The Ego War... and Ego Cycle
When I first started studying the Alexander Technique, I became acutely aware that this was a major problem I had, but was previously oblivious to.
For twenty-five years of my life, I never noticed it. Since then, I've noticed most people tend to go through their entire lives never realizing this ego cycle...
... repeating itself over and over again.
One of the great benefits I've found I received from studying the Alexander Technique is it gave me the ability to prevent an ego war by 'fighting' over right and wrong with someone.
Instead, it becomes apparent, there's SOMETHING else much more important.
I don't remember whether it was George Benard Shaw, Aldous Huxley, or John Dewey who shared a similar insight. Whoever is was said that before, he would get attached to being right by choosing a standpoint and defending it indignantly. After some study, he found he would calmly accept and listen to an opposing standpoint, and then decide whether he was thinking straight or whether he should adjust his standpoint.
Essentially, before his ego defense mechanism was operating. Afterwards, it wasn't. And that's where the real power lies.
Our culture tends to impress being right, having the write answers, and never making mistakes as strong values. But it is this kind of thinking that inflates our egos and prepares it to be triggered by certain situations...
... with the result being nothing more than an ego war, where the goal is to be right.
What is the Ego Defense Mechanism
and How Does It Function?
Now, to understand the ego defense mechanism and how it functions, we first need to look at the ego itself.
So just what is the ego?
Self-righteousness? Fear? Jealousy? Resentment? Insecurity? Indignation?
The urge to explain, justify, defend, and make apologies for our actions?
I think these are just the symptoms.
Essentially, it's a toxic mixture of ignorance and pride.
The more self-aware a man becomes, not only the less insecure and more confident he becomes, but the less self-righteous he becomes as he no longer feels the urge to explain himself, excuse himself or justify his actions, and apologize or defend his choices or behavior.
Yet he's receptive to how they affect others.
Instead, it becomes about SOMETHING much more important than being right. We'll get to that SOMETHING soon. But first, what is the ego defense mechanism?
Let me ask you this...
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone suggested something which caused you to instantly go 'on-guard'? It was if what they said suddenly thrust your behavior into the spotlight? You found yourself off-guard because you didn't know what they were talking about, but you felt the urge to immediately defend yourself?
That's it! That's the ego defense mechanism.
It's that part of ourselves that pops up and, without thinking or noticing what we just did, says "I'm right. You're wrong!"
An instant, unconscious male ego response.
Finding the Healthy Male Ego
Now we come to that SOMETHING. It is this distinction which determines whether your ego is in a healthy or unhealthy state.
The unhealthy ego concerns itself with right and wrong, good and bad, and who's at fault. This is the stuff some self-help, most public schools, politics, and religions and other cults are made of.
Ever noticed how these organizations tend to be at war with each other?
It's an ego war. It's the need to be right, 'good', or better. The ego defense mechanism is generally always flipped to ON.
But the healthy ego does not concern it with petty matters of opinion, which is what right and wrong is all about; selfishness and clinging to one's own ideas as if they were one's own.
No, it concerns itself only with respect -- and disrespect.
Instead of arguing over who's right and who's wrong, the man with the healthy ego makes it clear when someone crosses his personal boundaries and treats him with less respect than you knows he deserves.
His focus is communicating boundaries, not being right. Two different things.
Then he leaves it up to that person to choose to acknowledge it or not. If they don't, he is forced to cut them out of his life (or sometimes greatly limit their presence in it).
Encountering the Male Ego Defense Mechanism
One truth of Human Nature is:
Those who don't control themselves, try to control or manipulate others unconsciously; and those who control themselves, can see how others try to control them and refuse tolerate such behavior.
Can you see how conflict practically becomes inevitable? Unless, of course, everyone would learn to take complete possession of their own minds.
Cool Guys keep their ego in check.
Here's how...
Conquering the Male Ego in Yourself
Since those who attempt to control or manipulate others aren't even aware that they do it or when and how they do, when a 'target' asserts himself (sometimes quite bluntly), the manipulator immediately believes it is the 'target' who is out of line.
Of course, little do they realize, THEY are the ones out of line.
We are where we are today. We can't necessarily change our present state, but we can use the present to change our future state.
So the first step is to begin noticing when your ego defense mechanism is initiated. Second, start stopping yourself from responding immediately. Instead, step back from the situation and analyze who's REALLY out of line.
Only then, choose to act.
Not surprisingly, this is the entire idea behind the Alexander Technique. Fundamentally, the entire practice is learning how to create 'brainspace' before instead of immediately responding to something by inserting conscious, deliberate thinking in its place.
Being called on your BS is great, if you eliminate the ego. I've found when people have called me on mine and I resisted, they just amped it up. But when I began thinking, "Okay, Jay. If they're calling you on this, maybe there's some merit to it." Oddly, enough, people end up respecting you more when you admit it.
Everyone admires courage.
And courage goes hand in hand with humility; looking at yourself in the situation from an 'objective' standpoint -- then making a decision to act consciously. Cowardice, on the other hand, goes hand in hand with the male ego, or pride, which is basically ignorant, unconscious habit.
Handling the Ego Defense Mechanism in Others
Perhaps you've called someone out when they treated you poorly. If you have, I imagine the response they gave you was one of defending or explaining themselves. And in the extreme case, they turned it around and started blaming you for it.
If you know what I'm talking about, you have a great awareness of the ego defense mechanism at work.
I think what prevents those of us who are aware of it from asserting ourselves are the repercussions. This is the same reason women are vague and give men excuses for not being able to get together.
Few people want to deal with having someone blame them for their problem.
Interestingly enough, women generally are more adaptable and socially smarter than men. So when you call women on their BS -- though they may get upset in the moment -- after the affect of their ego defense mechanism wears off, they usually realize and accept that THEY were out of line.
You'll find not only do they then give you MORE respect, but their attraction multiplies exponentially.
But when you call men on their BS behavior, you'll likely find that the majority remain indignant, continue to blame you, and then carry a hidden resentment toward you.
Ah, the male ego. Especially when other guys notice women respond favorably to you, that mechanism in conjuction with jealousy amps way up, as they'll do just about anything to try to knock you down a level.
What dating success products rarely discuss is dealing with jealous guys, as it really does become a problem when you are good with women.
Ask any chick magnet.
Mastering your ego defense mechanism is half the battle of becoming a Cool Guy. And since the male ego is such a burden to women, putting it to its death is the best thing you can do for your success with women.
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Rock Star Celebrities
and Personal Magnetism
Ever wondered why or how rock star celebrities elevate themselves above those with hopeful aspirations of fame and fortune, or whatever it is they want from the music industry?
The success of the big rock star celebrities has been a secret fascination of mine.
Since famous rock stars, along with movie actors are generally held as occupations of the highest esteem in society today and because these professions are also the most competitive, I often wonder... with so many aspiring and talented musicians, why it is that only a select few go on to a become a rock star while the majority of hopefuls linger at the bottom?
For certainly, not just any Average Joe is going to carve a name for himself.
With the exception of engineered 'products' like the Backstreet Boys that seem to cater to little girl's romantic fantasies, it's interesting that those who do rise don't have a Nice Guy attitude.
If they do, they tend to become a fad or a 'one hit wonder', and soon vanish back into obscurity.
So what's responsible for the success of rock star celebrities -- as the very same trait is also responsible for success in all other professions.
The World Doesn’t Reward Talent Alone
Just as Napoleon Hill relates in Think and Grow Rich about how some people think they should be paid according to what they know, it seems most musicians who want to become a rock star or famous also think the world should reward them based on their talent alone.
But talented musicians, like educated people, are a dime a dozen.
And if there's such a large population of talented, educated people, they're normal and average. There's nothing exceptional about them.
If you've ever had the chance to chat with any average local rock band, you've probably noticed that a large group condemn huge rock n roll stars like Nickelback or Metallica.
Of course, the signs of jealousy and envy come in the forms of attempting to cut down the highly successful by criticizing them.
But what I find most ironic about these envious opinions is that they tend to criticize the famous rock stars based on exactly what allowed these musicians to succeed at the levels they have.
Ignorant people mock the successful, but wise people learn from them instead... for there's a reason -- especially in highly competitive fields like being a rock n roll star -- why they're in position they are.
It's not by fluke or because "their music sucks" -- as seems to be the most popular excuse small musicians use to explain their own failure.
The world rewards neither talent nor education. But it does reward talent or education in connection with something else...
Personal Magnetism is the Connecting Link
What seperates the big rock n roll star from the wishing hopeful seems to be personal magnetism -- or a highly developed Sex Nature.
It's said that employers will much sooner hire a person with personal magnetism over someone with greater qualifications. Ultimately, the world rewards those who can influence the minds of others.
So rock star celebrities become famous not solely based on their musical abilities, but because of their ability influence and win a crowd.
That's the real secret to their success, just as all the great leaders in history had the ability to influence the minds of their followors so that they ran in harmony, rock star celebrities essentially do the same on stage.
And the only way to do that is found in harnessing Sex Energy.
You'll notice that the famous rock stars not only communicate masculine energy in the way they stand, move, and through the uninhibited freedom they radiate in their voice control, they actively connect and involve the crowd rather than 'just getting on stage and performing songs', assuming that's enough.
In fact, the more command and power over their voices, the higher they'll ascend. But this is not only a quality they have on-stage, but off-stage as well, for you'll notice they own the frame of every social interaction.
Just watch a few interviews with any big rock star. You'll notice they direct the interaction and control the meanings, not the interviewer.
Lessons from Rock Star Celebrities
Watching practically any interview with a famous rock star will reveal they own their reality -- they control the frame completely. The frame being the underlining meanings behind the interaction.
So why all this talk about rock star celebrities?
Because they're in the spotlight. Anyone can analyze and observe their characters on YouTube these days. And once you start noticing certain qualities about them, you can learn from them and apply them into other areas of life, even if you don't want to become a rock star.
The ones that stand out to me are Axl Rose, Chad Kroeger, Tommy Lee, and though I was never a fan of Marilyn Manson's style (which seemed to be just a method of what pick-up artists call peacocking -- or doing something noticeably different with the purpose of standing out from the crowd to attract attention), I can't help but admire how powerful his communication is.
And what is powerful communication?
It's taken me about five years to come the realization that it's having a strong, solid Identity. What this means is that you never compromise or back down from your own beliefs and values, especially when met by adversity or opposition.
It is having this kind of Identity that allows you to then confidently communicate to others by having a powerful reality. And the person who believes in their reality the most, will control the frame.
The big rock star celebrities are masters of this... and THAT is the reason they are where they are. Notice especially the slow, sureness in which they speak. They tend to take as much time as they need, which incidentally effortlessly maintains a listener's attention.
Watch Axl Rose...
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Personal Habits
and Your Identity
Learning to disassociate your personal habits from your Identity is a crucial resolution, if you want to allow for changes in yourself that will bring about desirable circumstances.
I've spent the last three years working on changing personal habits -- deeply-rooted habits I've developed and practiced all throughout the years leading up to the decision to change.
And the interesting thing about replacing bad habits -- or undesirable habits, at any rate -- is that the longer they've been practiced, the longer it generally takes to undo them.
Forming habits is much like making a rope. And like a rope, with only two twines, it can be snapped easily. But with numerous twines, it generally can't just be broken in an instant.
Instead, it has to be unraveled over a period of time, with 'effort'.
Breaking habits we've adopted over a period of weeks can easily be laid to rest, but habits we've formed and held for a lifetime can take time. In some cases, even years.
So today, I'm going to share with you what I've found are the necessities of how to break bad habits...
Disassociate Your
Personal
Habits
from Your Identity!
What seems to me to be the greatest difficulty in replacing bad habits is our attachment to them. Because we act on them, we tend to associate them with who we are, with our Identities.
And to diverge from them would injure our pride.
For example, when I discovered the Nice Guy perspective (which is just a habit, really), I thought any guy would be excited to know or learn more about it.
Almost oddly, I realized that this was far from the case. Some guys actually want to cling to it, and will defend why they stay with it.
Why?
Though I didn't have a problem with it, as I embraced it and then began seeking opportunities to change myself in ways that started eliminating it, I have, however, found myself clinging to other habits I knew did nothing to benefit me.
Why don't we begin forming habits that would benefit us instead of justifying why we should hold on to them?
I've read the key reason for this is because our excuses and justifications are our own creations. They're our brain children. And naturally, who doesn't want to defend what they create?
Fear and Your Personal Habits
Yet I think the real reason why we have this urge to hold onto each excuse instead of breaking a habit is fear.
In past posts, I stated that the Nice Guy is feminized male with repressed anger. But the cause, of course, is one of fear.
For if you hold the six basic fears to the Nice Guy perspective in connection with women and dating, you'll begin noticing that three of the fears stand out prominently...
The Fear of Poverty
This fear reveals itself in symptoms like indifference, indecision, doubt, worry, etc.
To make the contrast, Nice Guys will settle for any woman who shows interest in them (indifference). Instead of deciding what to do for a 'date', they ask the woman (indecision). They tend to ask a woman if she likes them so far (doubt). They criticize and find fault with guys who date the women they want behind the guys' backs (worry).
The Fear of Criticism
This fear reveals itself in symptoms like self-consciousness, lack of poise, weak personality, inferiority complex, lack of initiative, etc.
With women, Nice Guys are generally all-around nervous (self-consciousness and lack our poise). Instead of expressing their own opinions, they agree with everything a woman says (weak personality). They brag about themselves or directly talk about why they're good (inferiority complex). Often, they'll ask a woman if it would be alright if they kissed her (lack of initiative).
The Fear of Loss of Love
This fear reveals itself in symptoms like jealousy, fault finding, and gambling.
When it comes to Nice Guys and dating, they generally have a tendency to get uncomfortable and irritable whenever their 'interest' seems to be enjoying another guy's company (jealousy). Though perhaps not in the dating process, but in relationships, Nice Guys tend to complain about things women do (fault finding). And Nice Guys usually buy things for women, trying to bribe them: dinners, gifts, flowers, drinks, etc. (gambling).
There is also the fear of ill health, where Nice Guys will get wrapped up in conversations of pity and complaints about health.
Personal Habits and Your World
Succeed with yourself, and you'll succeed with women and dating naturally, along with practically every other avenue in Life.
Learn to master your fears and there'll be no need to think about doing the right thing with women. It will become self-evident to you!
Our habits define what kind of world we live in. And when habits are mixed with fear, as you can see above, they define your relationships with women -- and the world at large.
Replacing bad habits is the secret to success -- not 'doing the right thing'. Calculation is cumbersome. It takes the enjoyment out of the process.
What most dating programs have done is laid down ways to eliminate your fears in RELATION to dating. But it is really about yourself and the way in which you think. The great thing about this is that not only do you learn to succeed with women and receive that benefit, it affects all other aspects of your life.
Most guys who tackle the 'dating problem' tend to tackle their lives at the same time without initially intending to.
Thinking back to when I used to take part in all the fear-based behaviors in relation to women, I know that I would have defended my actions and myself had someone tried to point out that I was being stupid.
Just because I was attached. Because I thought that just because I was doing these things, it was WHO I was -- along with the proud and self-righteous factor.
But this is NEVER the case, unless you accept it. You are not your personal habits. Sure, the world may recognize you by your habits, but by replacing bad habits, though you may change in the eyes of the world, you are still the same man...
The only difference is that you've become a man who's mastered his fears.
The ‘Magic’ of the Alexander Technique
Our own habits, because they're so familiar to us, tend be invisible. We all tend to have trouble seeing them.
The best tool I've discovered in dealing with the force of habit is the Alexander Technique. And because fears are nothing more than practiced thought habits, it allows you to see them by replacing bad habits.
Most people go through lives with a few, if not all of the major fears at various times. My dominating fear has been the fear of criticism, which brings with it voice difficulties and arrogance (which may still show up in my blog from time to time :).
The Alexander Technique has been pivotal in learning to not only deal with it, but see the thoughts underneath it.
Napoleon Hill, in Think and Grow Rich, in discussing the causes of failure, lists unfavorable environmental influences during childhood as one of the top causes. "As the twig is bent, so shall the tree grow" he quotes, stating that those who develop criminal tendencies is a result of poor associations during childhood.
He goes on to say that there's nothing a person can do to change these negative tendencies or personal habits.
However, I am under the strong opinion -- based on my own individual experience -- that this is simply not so. And had Hill had knowledge and experience with the Alexander Technique, I'm sure he would have altered his own opinion.
We all know of the son, whose father beat his mother, vow that he would never be 'like that'. But what often ends up happening is that he behaves just like his dad when he reaches the same age.
Why?
Interestingly enough, this extreme is hardly an isolated case. We are all destined to become some conglomeration of our parents or guardians (whether we want to admit it, or not), unless we learn how to break bad habits by getting at them at a very deep level.
Though I wouldn't doubt there are other methods, all I can say is that the Alexander Technique is the most effective one I've discovered.
So if you don't want to become the kind of man your father is, if you want more control over your 'destiny', I would strongly encourage you to explore the Alexander Technique.
If you don't, you will become some version of your father, just as your father became some version of this father. I'd say it's about 98% guaranteed!
Even consider taking one lesson as an experiment. If you really want to learn how to break bad habits, you won't be disappointed.
To find a teacher in your location, check out this website...
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Repressed Anger of the Nice Guy
What's the connection between being a Nice Guy and having repressed anger? Learn the ways in which denied anger affects not only ourselves, but repels opportunities with women.
Repressed anger is the key ingredient in the Nice Guy recipe.
For what is a Nice Guy?
He's an angry man who, because he's been led to believe that anger -- or expressing anger is wrong or bad, represses it...
... and then cloaks it with an overly 'too-nice' persona.
But, at least in my experience, there's little worse than ignored anger. For as long as a man denies the existence of it, releasing anger or letting go of anger becomes impossible.
And the truth is, Nice Guys are the REAL jerks in the world -- not the hot-headed, bad boy types.
The key trait of a jerk is dishonesty and lack of authenticity. Yet this is hardly the case with the hot-head. In fact, he quite honestly expresses his emotions, no matter how uncomfortable those situations may be.
But the Nice Guy's anger is in stealth mode, which generally creates a subtly uncomfortable situation through awkward untrustworthiness.
So let's take a closer looking at the effects and aspects of repressing anger and also take a good hard look at the reality of the Nice Guy...
Three Realms of Repressed Anger
I've noticed during periods of my own life and also by observing other men who've walked on and off the stage of my life that repressed anger seems to manifest itself in three distinct realms.
The repressed anger is always the same. It just takes on different forms according to the given situation or circumstance.
So what causes anger?
Simply, being denied our rights; our right to think for ourselves and possess what we deserve or have earned.
Yet the interesting truth is: those who have their rights honored by 'the universe' only experience this circumstance because of one factor alone -- they first honored their own rights, and so naturally began expecting and demanding the universe to comply.
Those whose rights are dishonored, first had to of dishonored them themselves...
Anger Towards Self:
The Denial of Self-Respect
We all deserve respect, to have and make our own personal decisions, along with having our possessions honored.
But those who deny themselves self-respect, are guaranteed to meet with disrespect at every turn. And instead of expressing anger as is the instinct, the only other option -- before self-mastery has been achieved -- is one of repressed anger.
The Spine Donor Syndrome states this myth in connection with self-respect:
“You shall be a martyr to your community. You shall dissolve your personal boundaries for the 'benefit' of the community.”
But believing in such a lie welcomes and actually INVITES the violation of our respect and personhood as individuals.
And by repressing our anger here, we tend to either blame and guilt our way into despising ourselves and feeling inadequate for letting our boundaries be violated.
Or we may also blame others for disrespecting us or demanding we act according to their standards, even though we have no direct power over other people's behavior.
But in both cases, the responsibility is still ours!
So letting go of anger involves the practice of self-respect.
Anger Towards Women:
The
Denial of Sex Nature or Urge
We all deserve first, the freedom to live as our Sex Nature designed us to -- meaning as men, in our case -- and second, to have our sexual urges fulfilled.
But those who deny themselves their sexuality or sexual gratification are sure to be met with loneliness and lack or confusion of sexual identity.
With sexual frustration comes repressed anger.
The Spine Donor Syndrome states this myth in connection with sexual gratification:
“You shall be paid sex by the woman who chooses you. You shall not have sex unless it is approved of upon women's terms.”
Boycotting this lie, of course, does not mean rape or anything of the sort -- for I daresay that it is exactly this myth which is responsible for bringing men to rape.
But it does mean that if a rigid woman attempts to impress upon you what she thinks is required of you to be 'granted access' to sex (for example, marriage), you reject the concept.
By waiting for the permission or approval of women before we're 'allowed' to gratify our sexual desires, we will begin despising or even secretly hating women.
For naturally, we want women and we crave sex. But if we're not 'allowed' to get it as a natural process of Life and since women are the only one's who can physical give us it, any repressed anger will turn into a kind of hatred for women.
Releasing anger involves not needing any manner of 'woman's collective approval' before you allow yourself to *boink* as you please.
Making a commitment to a specific woman, of course, is an entirely different subject.
Anger Towards ‘The World’:
The Denial of Wealth and Prosperity
We deserve to live the kind of lifestyle we dream about, being who we want to be, doing what we want to do, and having what we want to have -- as long as none of it violates the rights of others.
But those who deny themselves their 'material desires' -- in conjunction with the other realms -- will be whipped by poverty.
The Spine Donor Syndrome states this myth in connection with abundance or prosperity:
“You shall accept whatever compensation offered to you in Life. This is your lot -- or fate and you cannot change it.”
Believing in such a lie not only closes the possibilities to a grander life or a better quality of living, but it kills ambition with sniper-like accuracy.
Then we start seeing the world as cruel, cold, and suspicious.
Instead of focusing on creating or manifesting our ideal lifestyle, we begin consuming our thoughts and time playing victim, which is a symptom of repressed anger.
We whine, complain, and condemn others for why we live below our dreams. Instead of preparing ourselves to allow what we want to enter our lives, we blame and suspect others of denying it us.
The entire world becomes our enemy. But it is the world that, when it is our friend, gives us the opportunities to shape into our dreams.
Releasing anger involves accepting responsibility for our current conditions in Life, and then focusing and acting upon our desires.
Breaking the Chains: Letting Go of Anger
Ultimately, repressed anger equals powerlessness.
And in that statement lies the upside to anger, found in expressing anger. For with repressed anger, we deny ourselves the respect, women or sex, and prosperity we DESERVE.
For by holding the Nice Guy view that anger is wrong or bad, we remain in denial until we change or until death meets us.
The only way to break the chains of denial is to first acknowledge repressed anger. And with awareness, comes the choice to express it.
And though expressing anger without control causes people to back-off and perhaps even criticize or complain about us, repressed anger causes others an inner silent resentment towards us.
In the moment, it may appear to be a lose-lose situation. But in the long-term, I think it is really a choice of win or lose.
With repressed anger, people continue their silent resentment. But with expressed anger, though it may irritate people in that moment, it actually allows us the opportunity of letting go of anger by gaining some power back from having our rights violated.
It gives you the opportunity and power to learn how to manage it.
And by releasing anger that's been repressed, we free ourselves to begin welcoming what we deserve into our lives.
Releasing Anger... without Control?
So if anger is going to cause undesirable responses from people regardless, perhaps it's smarter to go with the big, but short bang -- for once released and clarity begins to set in, we're left not only with having communicated our boundaries, but we can amend the havoc.
Whereas with repressed anger, NOTHING changes.
Now, I'm not saying I condone the act of expressing anger towards others -- especially not strangers... but I'm definitely not saying that it should be avoided in long-term relationships either.
In fact, expressing anger allows a man to see it, which is critical. When it's out in the open, no longer can it be ignored -- by him or the other party in a relationship.
This is the awareness that our power is in jeopardy -- and perhaps even the realization OF our power. And being in jeopardy rather than having lost it is a step towards reclaiming our power.
Expressing anger is a staging or transitional point.
As Henry David Thoreau's famous quote goes, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." And in today's matriarchal society, I think it is the Nice Guy's repressed anger that gives it much validity.
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The Learning Cycle
Learning the skill of learning is the most valuable skill in the world. And a part of this skill involves being aware of the learning cycle...
Whenever we set out to learn something new, there is a learning cycle underneath that process.
And unless we can see this learning curve before we begin -- or at least, soon after beginning the process, it can prevent us from continuing when the frustrations hit...
... for there are generally inevitable periods of frustration in the learning curve.
But by becoming aware of the learning cycle and its phases, you can let motivation and learning work together -- the sole ingredient for succeeding at whatever you've chosen to learn. And by learning here, I mean practical skills or abilities -- not memorizing facts or equations.
So, because knowing each phase allows you to see the 'big picture', which gives you the persistence to keep going when nothing seems to be happening, what are the phases of the learning curve?
Phase 1: Ignorance
When we don't know how to get or do what we want -- whether that be riding a bike or meeting women -- we have no idea what's REALLY involved.
Sure, we may think we have some idea. And oftentimes, we may even think we know all the reasons why we can't or why we'd fail -- but that's just because the way we think things work ISN'T the way things ACTUALLY work in Nature or reality.
Then we tend to make excuses or give ourselves reasons to back it up.
So it's really about pride and ignorance.
That's why the first phase of the learning cycle is quite simply, being ignorant. Being clueless, yet proud. For we all (or most) want to believe we're right, just as FM Alexander put it...
“Everyone wants to be right, but no one stops to consider if their idea of right is right.”
Or as I translate it here: if we're not getting the results we want, we're not right -- or more accurately, we're not aligned with natural laws.
And it is this fact that prevents us from achieving what we want.
But when we truly begin desiring a thing, we force ourselves to throw off pride and humble ourselves. For that's what brings us to...
Phase 2: Awareness
The only way to change ourselves and thus, change the results we get in life, is to expand our awareness. Whether it's social learning or self development, the key is to see things from another perspective different from the current one we hold.
In that sense, it's visual learning.
Sometimes, this can come in the form of ideas or knowledge. Other times, it may come from direct experience.
Though most times, it starts with specialized knowledge. Then, that knowledge, once accepted, shifts your whole view of the world, which brings about and allows for new experiences.
Like Copernicus, who made the bold statement, "The world is round!" Though first opposed, once accepted, a person's entire view on the world changed forever, literally.
This created new possibilities: satellites, etc.
And so it is with the learning cycle. Having a new sense of awareness is the gateway. But it is ONLY the gateway, if it is not USED to bring about what you want to learn.
For sometimes, being aware or educated may actually prevent people from actually walking through that gateway. I've certainly fallen for this trap before. It's as if we think that just because we know HOW to do a thing, that there's no need for practice -- that we should no longer make mistakes or fail.
That just because we know the 'steps', we should naturally be able to do it. No! There must be the major phase, where true learning actually happens...
Phase 3: Practice
With awareness comes a kind of rush or excitement from the realization of a possible new world. And it tends to become a sort of novelty -- when it's still fresh, with previously unknown possibilities still lingering.
But that isn't the phase of the learning cycle that brings true learning, or even results. That is only the starting point, the beginning of change.
The real progress comes with continuous application, experimentation, and practice.
This is the phase of the learning cycle where motivation and learning really need to come together. For if we don't, most of us will end up not learning how to apply what we've become aware of.
Instead, we'll either do nothing and procrastinate -- for fear of failing.
But failing or making mistakes is where the real learning happens -- social learning included. Making mistakes is the ingredient with which we assimilate new ideas and transform them into productive habits and skills.
If you want to learn, mistakes are inevitable!
Or if we do take action, we may try too hard -- which obviously has more initiative than doing nothing, but failure generally becomes a default with trying too hard.
To use another FM Alexander quote:
“Trying is only emphasizing the thing we know already.”
So when we try too hard, all we do is exaggerate what we've been doing all along. Nothing changes. But it does allow us to see much more clearly what we need to stop doing -- if we're open to seeing it.
If you want to know how or why women define losers, all you need so is look at these two cases...
In the first case, you have the 'Passive Loser'. Women don't like guys who have no ambition or direction in life. And in the second case, you have the 'Active Loser'. Women despise guys who try too hard or over-compensate.
It doesn't really matter what women think of you. For most of us have been in both situations at one time or another, and had those experience teach us important lessons. The real important fact here is realizing this is just a phase in the learning cycle...
... and remember to pass through them.
For until you can find balance, sometimes doing nothing is better than trying. And other times, trying is better than doing nothing.
Phase 4: Mastery
Finally, with enough experimentation and practice and along with the failure and feedback they bring, all the small lessons start adding up to the grant total, called adaptability.
The final phase of the learning cycle is mastery.
For here, rarely do you find yourself caught up in thinking or over-analyzing your situations -- quickly, if you do.
Rarely do you procrastinate and rarely do you try.
Instead, you find yourself instantly acting and responding in ways that bring you the desired result, with the least amount of effort and time required.
You can see 'obstacles' coming long before they arrive, so you can change course early, which prevents you from having to deal with them anxiously after they've drawn too near.
Essentially, you make quick, yet smart decisions.
Mastery, the final phase of the learning cycle. And in whatever skill you've taken on, this level is earned. It's impossible to cheat your way into this level.
It has a price, in no particular order: effort, failure, frustration, time, humility, confusion, risk, and the willingness to change.
Or, in other words, DISCIPINE.
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My Theory of Leadership
Understanding this theory of leadership and the fundamental workings underneath it are important if you want to serve others -- while helping yourself.
I had an interesting experience one day that taught me an important life lesson, like a theory of leadership.
I was walking down the sidewalk on the way to my bus stop for an appointment. As I got closer to my bus stop, I noticed about half a dozen women gathered in front of the bus stop sign, talking anxiously, looking around with confused expressions on their faces.
When I got there, I took a look at the sign. It said the bus route had been changed for the day and that it would be on the street parallel from where we were standing.
“Oh, they moved it around the corner,” I said thinking out loud, as I continued walking.
That's when something interesting happened...
“They all started following me.”
In fact, I had no real idea where the stop was, but I knew the direction I was heading in. I figured there'd be another sign letting me know when I got there.
When I did get to the street, there was no sign. So I chose one way, turned, and kept walking.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the women stop at the corner and look around. I was still walking. And eventually, they started following the route I was taking again.
I walked half way down the block, and still no sign. So I figured, “Hey! I know the bus is coming down this street. If there's a bunch of people gathered, it's going to stop.”
So I stopped, took out a book and started reading.
Some time passed and there must have been over a dozen people now standing around, all waiting where I had stopped earlier.
Eventually, the bus did come. And it stopped right in front of me.
So the lesson I learned from this experience, like a theory of leadership is: Know where you're going in life... or at least know what direction you're heading in... and the details will work themselves out.
Not only that, but some people have no idea where they're headed. So what do they do? They look around to see if it appears like there's someone amongst them who knows where they're going -- someone with good leadership qualities -- and then they follow that person.
Theory of Leadership in Life
In my theory of leadership lesson, I served these people just by knowing where I was going. I wasn't trying to help them. I was set on making my appointment. But because I had a direction and they had none, they followed me and ended up on the bus they wanted to get on.
Simply, be a silent leader. For real leader don't necessarily try to help people initially.
Those people who go out of their way trying to help others generally end up doing them more harm than good, as they become a ‘dependant'.
Then it seems to become more about leadership and self deception.
Rather, real leaders simply help themselves. People notice that, and choose to follow because they can see how they'll benefit also.
So it is in life...
Leadership power is not external. The signs are external, sure. But the working of this theory of leadership is really internal.
Know where you're going -- this is the key characteristic of leadership. Then go about your business. And you'll probably not only end up serving others in the process, you'll attract women as a natural side-effect.
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